People Pleasing is a Toxic Trait

by Morrighan Lynne

 

On the surface people pleasing looks like a pleasantry. It seems sweet. Some of the nicest people are also chronic over-givers and at first you think it’s just because they are kind. As long as someone is constantly nice then no one can say a bad word about them, right? But people pleasing is dishonest. It’s a mask we manufactured to survive. It’s fake and everyone knows it. Well, everyone except the people pleaser.

  

At its core, being a people pleaser is to manipulate the energies and emotions of others in order to stabilize our own nervous system and feel safe in our environment. We scan the room to find the most dysregulated person and we lock in to fix them. That may be a co-worker that doesn’t like you and you are sugary-sweet to them so they are disarmed and go about their day without incident. You could have noticed a family member at a reunion that’s having a difficult time at the party and you’re going over there to cheer them up. Or you hear your spouse in the other room getting upset and you bring them a treat so that calm down. Are you doing these with malicious intent? Of course not. But the moment you made it your job to regulate their emotional system, you manipulated them.

  

And this is a very difficult truth to swallow. Most people pleasers would tell you they give so much to others because they are just nice people. They rescue loved ones from difficult situations because they remember the times no one rescued them. Their empathy is so vast that they instinctively rush in to help even when it’s isn’t asked for. They give, love, care, make, save, and do anything and everything they can to show other people that they are nice. But being nice isn’t a virtue when you are harming someone (including yourself) in the process.

  

The biggest issue this behavior causes is that people won’t actually know who we are. They are never given the chance to connect to our true self because we are constantly mirroring, mimicking, and adapting to stay safe. And one of the major complaints I hear from people pleasers and wounded empaths is that they are lonely and it seems like no one ever fully “gets” them. They have lived most of their life making sure everyone around them is happy, not realizing that the people around them have no idea how to make them happy. Then they realize, they don’t even know themselves. Until we look at the root cause we are never going to heal this symptom that keeps us feeling isolated and alone.

  

People are incapable of knowing who we are because we’ve never let them see who we are and we’ve never truly asked for what we need. We’re too busy shifting to fit someone’s expectation, or what we perceive as their expectation. Our survival skills have given us the amazing gift of reading the room and as children that was truly a skill we needed. Most of us were in situations that were abusive, neglectful, and traumatic and so let’s be grateful that we made it out!

  

But as adults, we’re generally not in those same situations. And even if we are, we’re adults now. We have the power to leave if someone is harming us. But these skill have been deeply embedded into our psyche and they are our default when navigating the harshness of human life. They are automatic in most cases. A rut, a system we rely on. Even when we don’t need it. Anytime our nervous system gets activated and we pick up even the slightest scent of upset in the room, we switch to people pleaser mode and sniff out the threat.

  

Our voice goes higher in tone and pitch, an instinct to sound soft and sweet. Our body language shrinks and softens so to not look threatening. We make less eye contact, we laugh even when something isn’t funny, and we over-share in conversation because we’re trying to fill the uncomfortable silence. To us, this is natural. To others, it’s fake. Over time, the people pleaser begins to notice they have no true connections. They feel like a stranger even to themselves. The mask that once kept them safe, is now a heavy burden and no longer working.

  

So what is a pleaser to do? The first step on any road back to self is to ask the hard questions. Am I simply giving so that I’m loved/accepted/safe? What is my true motive in giving? What wound am I trying to heal by doing this? Am I capable of letting people in so they can see me?

  

Until we as pleasers, are willing to turn our eyes inward and review who we’ve been and uncover the blind spots of our behaviors we’ll forever fall back into our default patterns of survival. And take it from a reformed pleaser and appeaser, there is nothing more important than the road that takes us back to ourselves.

 

Intuitive Life Coach, Psychic Empath, Spiritual Mentor and more.

Classes, Programs, & Retreats ~ www.morrighanlynne.com