I had not had a panic attack in over 10 years. When I was a teenager, I had them with pretty regular frequency. While lying in bed at night, trying to sleep, my mind would start to get scared, then my whole body would tense up, I’d cry uncontrollably and the frozen feelings of fear, sadness, self-hatred, and panic would keep me in the same spot for...who knows how long. 

At that point I didn’t know what they were called. I just felt when they were coming. Always at night. After it would pass, I would just lay there trying to breathe normally and fall asleep again. 

After I married my husband, I saw a local homeopathic doctor that helped rid me of my anxiety medication. After one hell of a weekend wherein I had a nervous breakdown, my panic attacks were gone and my anxiety disappeared.

Fast-forward about 10 years and I was laying in bed, in the dark. I felt the panic coming on. I knew what was coming. But this time, I knew why it was coming. I brought it on because I was ready to face this horribly dark place I had been avoiding: “God doesn’t care about me as a woman.” Horribly dark. 

I was tensing because I didn’t want to feel it. So, I let go. I decided to sob, breathe erratically, sink into and allow all the horrible thoughts to come up. My husband woke up. He rubbed my back, listened to me try to explain the thoughts and feelings that were coming up. When I was finished, he held me. I fell asleep exhausted. 

That was the beginning of the end of some major changes in my life. I sank into it. I allowed my dark feelings to come to the surface. I named them. “Unworthy. Useless. Property.” Instead of trying to keep them shoved down deep, I felt them and cried. I cried at different times for months. Instead of not wanting to feel, I named the feelings. I burned letters, I offered forgiveness. Because I do energy work, I’ve also been releasing these untrue feelings (and so many other negative energetic things). I’ve been purging my insides to let go, find relief, and release. Some emotions cleared quickly while others have had so many layers. But, I’m mending. In some ways I am already mended. I know that I can face my darkness, look at it, and release the untrue parts. Sinking into my own personal darkness is transforming me. 

If you’d like to start being more mindful about your life or accept/clear some of your own darkness, please contact me to become a client.