I have been on a deep dive plunging within myself to discover the parts of me that scream yes and the parts of me that scream no. In the beginning, my body was rigid and constrained, often bound by fear. I was unsure of what I wanted in many areas of my life. The things that I was sure I wanted often resulted in pain; leaving me with a conflicting idea that my own desires were not to be trusted. Grudgingly, I put one foot in front of the other, grasping to the claims of knowing which parts of me I wanted to keep and which parts of me I wanted to dismember. I started saying yes to opportunities for change. 

I felt a pull to learn more about the masculine qualities within myself and felt an even larger pull to fall in love with the feminine qualities I realized I deeply distrusted and resented. These curiosities tumbled me into teacher after teacher who supported me in investigating my distrust for the feminine and my resentment of my body’s nature. I leaned into the natural process of softening and hardening over and over as I adapted my definitions of who I am and identified what desire is as it moves through me. I began to see clearly desire’s pull and trust the unraveling that paired with my suffering to move me into a place of clarity of what in this world is truly important to me.

Now, I am left with a steadfast knowing that I am one with my body. She softly guides me. I hear her speaking to me in the rhythm of my heart and the fullness that erupts within me when I follow the whisper. I had to become brave enough to face the parts of me I did not want to look at and soften into that distaste to admit to myself that I needed help learning how to do it. I learned how to let people in and guide me through the most difficult terrains of my own body in order to know that every part of me is genuinely worthy of being loved.

In this process of guided self-discovery, I realized that I had gotten further than I ever would have if I hadn’t been willing to take the leap and commit to my own ability to soften into what I had deep within me. The support of many teachers taking a stand for their own softening showed me how to take a stand for my own. From this place of strength, I am ready to pass this on.

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